MomGuilt: I forgot to watch you grow.

Watching my children growing.  A very real pain, deep inside me. Welling with emotion, regret, and sadness. Deep Sadness.  The kind of sadness that bubbles up in your belly, moves up your throat and comes out your eyeballs. Okay, crying. Lots of sadness, and lots of crying. ..and some more crying. (Because we can use the hormones we got from pregnancy is an excuse forever, and don’t you forget it!)

Because you need to slow down, because I’m not ready yet.

Because I’m that mom that forgets to cut your fingernails, toenails and some days even making sure you are a visibly presentable child. Because sometimes I’m failing, and some days the best thing I am doing is to let you look socially unacceptable.  Some days you wear “cowboy” boots with plaid shorts and a long sleeve flannel top because I’m too tired to argue about how its 90 degrees outside and how you aren’t wearing socks in rubber boots (And I’m not even 100% sure you have on underwear).

Because not every day is our day. And some days REALLY aren’t our day. And every day, I question my ability to be your mother. Because you deserve the best, and I'm really not sure that I'm it.                                                             

I forget to notice all the small things each and every day.  I’m so suffocated in an everyday routine that I forget to notice you growing…then the days that I have a moment to experience a calm, I experience so much pain.

That guilty pain of being a mom,
a working mom,
A working mom in school,
A full time working mom in school who is sometimes selfish with her time,
A working mom in school who is sometimes selfish and goes through fast food thinking it will create more time to do important things…

But what could be more important than being with you?

When the babysitter notices things about you that I don’t, or when she cuts your nails because I forgot when she told me they were long…..then forgot again, or she finds all the dirt in the crevice of your neck that I’ve failed to clean for 3 days…(Okay. Well, maybe 5), or the wax that can inevitably be seen in your ear within a 10 mile radius.
It’s not because I don’t care, and I wish I could say it’s because all my time is devoted to making memories and laughing and loving that I forgot the necessities and daily care for you…But I’d be lying.

 Because let’s face it, if you had a bath yesterday and it comes down to bath time or 30 minutes to poop alone (3 seconds to lock the door, 2 minutes to poop, 20 minutes to scroll through Facebook and 8 minutes to sulk in silence) there is no comparison, child.

You. Are. Not. Getting. A. Bath.

But mama (reminding myself) they are only this way for so long.

 I never realized that the last time I carried my son to bed could have been the last time he ever let me. Or even the last time he showed me that little itchy spot right inside his butt crack, next time it may be too embarrassing to show mommy your butt!

Inconvenienced about the glass of chocolate milk that my son could clearly reach for himself, but asked me to get it for him….One day he won’t need me for that…or even care to need me for that.

Because one day, a hell of a lot sooner than I want to believe, he won’t need me anymore for the things that inconvenience me now. For the things that make me his parent. He won’t need me to pick out his clothes, help him button his pants,  or tie his shoes. He won’t need a bedtime story, and an extra snuggle before drifting to sleep.  While he will likely always still need someone to wash his clothes, cook him food, and make sure he scrubbed all the dirt off in the tub, it won't be me. One day.. I won't be his #1 and I will have to share this experience with someone who will be.

He won’t care for me to tickle him,  or sneakily getting into bed between me and daddy (which isn’t very sneakily) and one day those moments will be gone and I won’t remember when the last was, only that it was once there and that chapter of both of our lives  has closed.  Talk about a hard pill to swallow.

Every day we are together, every day we wake up and we go about our routines and we spend so much time together, but somehow…

Somehow, I forgot to watch you grow.

Because day over day it seems as if nothing changes, and looking back everything has changed. Everything is different.

Your voice, I can’t remember the day you started talking clearly and your baby voice went away.. I can remember the day I realized it was gone and it broke my heart because I didn’t want to say goodbye to your mumbled vocabulary with the sweet, shrill squeaks in your voice. Why didn’t I notice that it was going away? How could I not?

I can’t remember when your hands grew so big. Before noticing, I can’t remember the last time I really took a good look at your hands.  With buying every new shoe size, how did it not dawn on me how big your feet were getting?

Your smile. All filled with bright shiny teeth. I remember a time when you didn’t have any teeth. You didn’t talk, but we always had a way of communicating. I guess that’s the bond we share. Because as a mom, you will never have to tell me… I always know.

Your personality, it grew into something unfathomable. So sweet, endearing, sassy, and sarcastic. How did I not notice you changing? Because all I know now is that you did. But I wanted to say goodbye to that quiet little boy you once were. I wanted to thank him for staying a while and introduce me to the new boy you are now.

And, sometimes I want to say sorry.
Because you were my first.
Because you were the one  who taught me everything, and are a result of all my mistakes.
Because you were trial and error.
Because I’m still learning who I am, and how to make you who you will be.
Because I forgot to notice you growing.

Because it took me a while to figure this whole “mom” thing out, and every day I am still learning. But I know you forgive me every time I'm a bad mommy, a mean mommy, or a selfish mommy. And I will always forgive you for every time you are a rotten child, a mouthy child, and an entitled child.

But I need you to slow down please, because I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.
Because I’ll never be ready to watch you grow.

 

https://youtu.be/clcNB_EUao8