This may or may not be the first year that Mother's day has been like a sour patch kid sidekick.
So painful, yet sweet. Acknowledging the loss of the children you cannot see can be so hard for others, but on the day of the year that we celebrate being mothers- it is so invisible it's painful.
Not because we don't want to acknowledge our children who are not in their earthly forms; but because there is such a sorrow in what is otherwise a beautiful day.
What do you get the grieving mom for Mother's Day? What constitutes a grieving mom? Did she lose a child a year ago? Did she lose her child 10 years ago? How long should I acknowledge her other children on these occasions? You know...the children we can't see...
Forever. The answer is, forever.
Why? Because a mothers love never ceases to exist.
Having children is so easily comparable to marriage. Until death do us part. And only those who have lost know, that it never ends there. Does your "paps" stop being your grandfather when he has passed? How about your Nana? No? Well then... My child will always be my child, even if today I cannot hold them in my arms. Even if today I cannot hear them laugh.
Even if today I cannot share photos of my favorite moments together.
Because I am also the Mother of an Angel (Or two)
It is not unwelcomed on Mother's Day for you to celebrate with those Mothers the lives of the children that are not physically here. But, there is such melancholy in celebration. Such pain and sweetness. Such sorrow and rejoice; for several reasons.
1. Rejoice that my children are with my God Almighty in a place I cannot fathom in my wildest dreams. Rejoice they may never have to experience any heartache, or the physical hurt of our world.
For those of you that have had the opportunity to conceive following the loss of your child, you will understand this one:
2. Though I will never forget my children that have gone too soon, it led me to my sweet Mia. It led me to know a whole new love. A love after loss.
You see. There are many types of love, but two of which will never be confused. Love before loss, and love after loss. One is no stronger than the other, because I love my children equally; but one is more fierce. It is more bold. It is more understanding, more patient, and more thankful.
Love after loss; the love I've had the greatest regret and pleasure in knowing.
Because on Mother's Day this year, all the while celebrating like tradition says: eating breakfast with my children, trying to play "nice mommy" while the 4 year old wants to gallivant the restaurant bathroom to poop, my 9 month old has excreted every odor known to man which is now leaking through her pants onto mine. The man next to me is surely wondering how they celebrate moms "like me" who can't manage to get their shit together for a 40 minute trip into the restaurant alone with two kids. You know, the typical mom thing.
But "moms like me" aren't identified as the ones who need a break, the ones who don't know if they're doing it right, the ones that think Mothers Day is only for the ones who are worth mentioning. Come on, that's all moms. We're all a mess, We all want well behaved children the waking hours of the day, and the one who has manners, and enough cooth to not announce to the morning crowd their need to defecate, and their specific want to do it in the restaurant rather than the 2 minute drive to papaws.
But... "Moms like me" are the ones who repeat to themselves "This is exactly why we aren't having any more children!" and then feel immediate guilt. Because Today I could have had 3 children with me rather than two...
But that would mean that my sweet little 9 month old, the one who so graciously gifted me and the rest of the restaurant with a crinkled nose and a sour stomach; may not have shared today with me.
While every day I celebrate being a mom, I spent Mother's Day this year celebrating Mia. Mia has consoled my heart. She has given me the gift as a Mother that I never wanted, and now...Could never do without.
A love after loss.
The love that knows loss, knows pain, knows regret...and loves even harder! The love that both my children will have the opportunity to experience, but came at such an emotional cost.
A love after loss.
The love that is independent, is bold and strong, and knows how deep it flows into every essence of motherhood.
Happy Mothers Day to the Mom "Like Me" and has been forever blessed and forsaken with the love after loss.
In loving memory of Paisley Marie & Presley Ann
Burrell
Born into Eternal Life: September 11, 2014.
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