Selfless & Selfish - Being restored by the loss

You will always be the first thing I think about when someone says "Make A Wish"

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow, when the world wakes- it will be just another day. Tomorrow will be just another cup of coffee, just another morning for the rest of the world. But as for me...Tomorrow is the day that I said Hello and Goodbye to two of the biggest parts of my world.

 

 

It is not just tomorrow that I will feel the pain, its just another day in that regard. But tomorrow, I postmark a day in my life where it all changed. Tomorrow was a day that was full of such Selflessness and Selfishness. Tomorrow I sent my conjoined twins to be with our creator, and repeating that alone hurts so much to this day. If you are questioning whether you read that correctly, you most certainly did. I had to make the decision to time my twins' lives, and place them in the hand of God.

 

 

As I look back on that wretched day, where I didn't dare talk to anyone in the days before or even the days following, I was so alone. Being a mother is hands down the greatest accomplishment and the greatest joy of my life. Seeing my children grow in this world and be consumed with such love is overwhelming for my heart. So how does one decide? How does one give up her children to God?

 

I'm still figuring that out, and the only conclusion that is relative so far is out of Selflessness and Selfishness.

 

Now, if you didn't quite understand how those two could coincide in the particular situation- please let me take this opportunity to help.

 

 

I understand that only those who have been in my situation can TRULY grasp this, and what my family has went through so I ask that you leave the judging to our God Almighty.

 

 

A day that I said Hello and Goodbye was full of Selfishness - Why?

-I couldn't handle to hold them

-I couldn't have handled to kiss them

-I couldn't have handled to see them

-I wanted the opportunity to be able to bear future children

-I couldn't handle explaining to my child where the babies went

-I couldn't have handled my child losing his mother

-I couldn't have handled my husband losing his wife

-I couldn't have handled to watch them die in my arms

 

Selfish, huh?

 

 

A day that I said Hello and Goodbye was full of Selflessness - Why?

- I laid my children in the hands of God

-My children will never be in pain

-My children will never know suffering or heartache

 

It's terribly sad that the selfishness far outweighs the selflessness.

 

But, My God has a reason.

 

He has a reason for it all, I believe.

 

Through my loss and his gain (Yes, his gain) I have been restored in more ways than one.

I have been restored in Christ.  I spent seconds, hours, days and weeks pleading with God to take them so that I would not have to make a decision. I spent nights thanking God for my journey and some nights damning and cursing him for it the same. The journey of saying Goodbye to my twins was not a short one. It was not a quickly decided one. It was a long, heartbreaking, and meticulously planned one. The journey with my twins welcomed into my world Mia Jade Burrell. In the end of it all, I felt I found my decision in the comfort of Christ. The comfort in knowing they would be okay, and that my God is a compassionate and forgiving God, and that this is just part of his plan.

 

I have never known love and remorse the way I do today.

Never before Mia did I ask myself every day if there was still a baby in there, was it okay, was it malformed, would it survive my pregnancy? I love both my children equally, but the moment I saw Mia was the moment my storm calmed. The minute I laid eyes on her, was the moment God whispered to me " It's going to be okay"

 

The VERY moment, I knew this was what life was all about.

 

Love prevails all.

 

My angel twins changed my life. For the better. I will forever wonder what they looked like, how their laughs would sound, how much joy they would have brought to our lives if only they could have lived..and by living I mean having the capability to laugh, having the capability to walk, talk, breathe.

 

Tomorrow I can't promise to forgive myself, but tomorrow and everyday I am thankful. I am so very thankful for the path God has led me down regardless of how dark and murky some of those days are. I've seen the light, and I will continue each day to be a mother of 4 children and so very blessed.

 

I am so incredibly blessed.

 

Love,

The Brave Burrell