Every day I think about my struggles. It is truly NOT every day that I think about the blessings that I am offered- Big or small. Every day I manage to think about something I wish I would have done differently, or a decision that I could have made or not made, or something I wish I could manage/do better....But there are only a select few days amidst that, that I think... "Wow, I am truly blessed" But I am! You are!
I spend days preaching in my job that "No one ever learned anything by doing things right all the time, someone-somewhere had to mess up so that they could learn that there was a correct way and an incorrect way!" So why can't we seem to apply this even in our own life?
I have been on a spiritual journey. A roller coaster. An undeniably foggy path of faith. But every day it becomes more clear, more smooth, and more calm. I am trudging in unchartered territory, and yet I have never felt so far from being alone- because I am a testimony of God. I will never again be alone.
There are some days that you or I may think that we have this "Faith thing" figured out. We don't. I assure you we do not, and will not and that is OKAY! Every day I am now excited to not only be successful, but also to see how my failures will teach me and help me to grow in a relationship with God and to stop being so controlling in the stormy waters, and Let GOD! I am working on this. I am not excited about this every day, but I am fortunate enough to be able to say that I trust God and him allowing me every day to make the decisions that I do in free will.
Like I mentioned in my last few posts, it wasn't until recently that I had my "Come to Jesus" if you will. It wasn't until I had to face a pain that my human self could not recognize or tolerate without falling to God and begging him to help me tolerate my situation. In the same token, I was so angry with him! How could he let this happen! He allowed this to happen, and here I am crying out to him to help me?
God gave me a situation where I was in the depths of anger, torturing myself and mind, and my. most. vulnerable. God took me when I was weak and gave me the opportunity to use him to build myself back up.
Mind you, I make all of my decisions based almost solely on logic. Decisions on things that are tangible, understandable, and definable. I could not do any of those things with God, until for nights, days, hours....I prayed to him. Have you ever felt that when you closed your eyes and prayed to God, this sheer warmth, yet chilling blanket wraps around you from behind and it offers the relief you have searched for? When you feel a white, and innocent burning flame inside your body that is so docile and caring? It is God. For me, it is the Holy Spirit speaking to me directly without ever having to say a word. And guess what? I can't touch it....I can't understand it, and I still can't define it. But I believe.
I am thankful for every struggle, and every blessing. I will continue to praise and grow in my relationship with God during the storms, and calm water. The calm water, is after all the most beautiful after a storm.
Love,
The Born-Again Burrell
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