The Melancholy of Love...

Love is such a scary thing isn't it?

I am not talking the price of love...The endless poopy diapers, or the constant sacrifice of being a parent (although that stuff is scary!) Or the need to stay thin, or keep the house clean for your partner (Let's face it, that is a scary thought too!)

Loving someone so deeply, is the most fulfilling, yet scariest task you will ever take on in  your lifetime. We all wait for "the one" so that we can love so deeply and gloat about this new experience that we have had with love and how it is nothing we have ever felt before. It is bliss, it is admiration....it's all of the good things in life. It is so pure, and exciting! It's not even a 'glass half full' type-of-thing. This is a GLASS FULL OF WINE type thing! (That reference would be even better if I actually liked wine- so for me, this is a 'GLASS FULL OF CHOCOLATE MILK' type-of-thing!)

Then, you have child(ren). Let me tell you, and then when you have children you realize that the love...^^^^That love, in that paragraph up there....It was only the building blocks for the love you feel now. The love you are sharing with your child is the deepest, brightest, most honest....and most terrifying love you will ever have the pleasure of knowing- but never understanding.

I think the hardest part for most beings in life is loving or being loved...because associated with such a deep, rich love- comes such melancholy. One day, I know I could be without this person(s). I have no control over how long they are here with me, and I have no timeline or understandable list of events. As much as I wish I could put my husband and son in isolation and in the sole act of selfishness- not let them experience the same life that will eventually be taken from them; I can't. I have to spend the time we do have-- actually living!

Maybe the living part strikes more fear than the loving? We have to live on an unknown list that we have no idea of how quickly the timer is ticking away. All I can do is trust God, hold them tight each opportunity that I have, and know the richness they have brought to my living and hoping I have brought the same to theirs.

I have spent many days, and sleepless nights just reaching this in random thought and not one time has it struck any less fear, than any other. The price of love!

Love and Melancholy....Isn't that the truth. John 14:27 - "Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful"

Love,
The Blanched Burrell

Shut the door!

Why is it so hard to shut the door on your past sometimes? Why do we allow ourselves to feel the helplessness and fear that we felt when we were rejected in high school?

You got on a Walmart shirt, that only cost you $3? Hey girl-- you look awesome. You ROCK that!

You're (me) graduating from a community college and it took you four years because you are a full time mom and need time for yourself in there somewhere? Heck ya! Caps off to me!

I act like it's others faults that people (basically referring to myself) feel this way, but in reality it's basically because I have this complete and insane idea that everyone spends all hours of their day focusing and criticizing every detail of my life.. Shut the door, Chelsea! No one has time for that!

....oh, you have that disease too? The "imprettysurethatinnocentconversationabouticecreammeanstheyhatemyhair" Disease? Weird. Must be contagious.

I also have the "howdoyoumakelessmoneythanmeandyouhavenicerthings" jitters. In addition to the "Iwishmymommyanddaddystillpaidforallmyshit" sniffles.

In reality, I spend the most of my days trying to uncover how it is that I can make myself better, or have nicer things, or have a better behaved child than yours. Yep, I said it. I'm awkward.

I told you to check your judgmental woes at the door, didn't I? There's only enough room for my judgment in here. Unfortunately sometimes, I am the victim of my own worst judgment--and then I try to pity myself for it.

Oh, Chelsea.. You just stubbed your toe? You should have ice cream to fix that.

Sometimes, we need to envision [in a literal sense] slamming the door in judgment's face, and move on! You may think your better than me, but in the end we all die.

Love,

The Brash Burrell

How do you know?

Sometimes I find myself with the awful uncertainty of if I made the best of my life, or if I have reached the peak of the best I will ever be.

Is there something else out there for me? Did I leave a rock unturned? Have I reached my maximum potential? ......Am I the best I will ever be... Is my life the best it will ever be? Is my LOVE the best it will ever be able to love.

Wow.. How do you answer this? How can anyone answer this--how does anyone know? We don't know and we have to lead all our decisions based on fate or faith, whichever succumbs to you first. It's such a scary thought, isn't it? Almost like playing the lottery...if you will. Or you are like me...Scared of the lottery. Scared of losing money, although the potential to gain is there; I will never trust it.

Sometimes we make our decisions based on the best well being of all parties, and for the majority of the rest. Fear. We make our decisions based on fear.

Fear of failing. Fear of losing something. Fear of judgement. Fear of, most everything.

I choose to be Brave today. I choose to make decisions because I know they are going to take me somewhere, not in fear of the obstacles I may have to face while I get there. So why don't you go be brave too.... We could all use a little toughening-up I suppose.

Love,
The Brave Burrell

When will faith find you?

With all of life's events that have occurred recently, I can tell you I have undoubtedly questioned my faith, my beliefs, and mostly myself. When you walk into a storm, it is an act of nature and is never foreseen. You will never know the outcome of that storm and that is what changes you.

During your storms, trials, and tribulations- you will change. You will come out a different person....that is what the storm is all about. You were MEANT for that storm, and that storm was meant for you.

Recently I have faced a number of storms. High winds, torturous howling winds (which were mainly critical and howling unwanted opinions, but you get the logic) but what I found in those storms.... was fear. You thought I was going to say something inspirational about how I overcame my fear during the storm? No. Let's face one thing, and we will not mention this again. Anything that is out of my control, is out of style! It is not cool. When things are beyond my control, and I have to have the ability to have faith in something beyond myself--[Insert hysterics]

I am one of those that will stay up beyond the latest hours of the night, thinking of all those things that I need to write down on a list and hoping that I remember them come morning- of course I could stop and write them down then as well. I am guilty of being the same person that will lay in bed for two hours thinking that, that pool of urine residing in my bladder is just going to disappear so I can return to an uninterrupted slumber. No, again. With those somewhat related comparisons above, I can tell you that I have waited for God to find me and found every reason to not find him-- or not to, I guess, fully accept him into my heart. Whether it is based on procrastination or depending on something beyond my control, I am not fully sure.

I've never embraced and/or jumped aboard the faith train, I guess because I never felt enough pain to where I KNEW I could no longer have control over. I had to give control to the only person, the only being, the only power that I knew could understand and empathize with my pain, my regret, and my ignorance.

>I< cannot control all situations. >I< cannot control everyone. Hey, and neither can you! (So now we have something in common, if we didn't already!) ( I also apologize for the overuse of "!" in my blogs- I am an excited talker/blogger)

I pray at night. I pray in the morning. I pray when I'm stressed, and I EVEN pray to just say thank you to God for sometimes just listening! I can't tell you that I have all the divine faith that I should, but I am growing in a relationship with God-- not only for me, not only for my husband (My marriage), and not only for my Children, but also because I want to see others do the same and not be ashamed because I have felt the peace in things beyond my control. I am not a veteran Christian. I have always known there was SOMETHING out there, that heard me...But up until a few weeks ago, I never embraced the beauty that was behind that listening ear.

My storms were meant for me. My storms were like none I've ever experienced, but they washed me ashore to something new, and something incredible that I have shared with my husband. You want to know something funny? My husband and I were requested to say a prayer about two months ago and we both stood in headlights like we were undressing in front of each other for the first time....Then we went back to kindergarten "Not it!" "No you do it first" "I don't want to!"

We were embarrassed to say a prayer. Something seemingly so natural. My storms washed away that embarrassment and has allowed a blossoming into full conversation about God and how now, we are embarrassed that we were embarrassed! (Did you follow that?)

So moral of all this mumbo-jumbo talk about myself...Embrace your storm. Allow the thunder to roll, and the lightning to strike. Pray to God for acceptance, peace, free will, understanding, a good dinner to tide over your sadness eating (Don't feel bad, I do it too). But know that even when he can't calm the storm, he will be there for you when that storm is raging AND when it is over. He wants you to need him, and seek him. He will USE you.

Love,

The Blissful Burrell

Change is Life's necessity

 

 

 

 

Some of the hardest days for me are those that involve change or separation from the normal pattern of "life". Some days I think about where I want to be and why I'm not there, and others content with the success that has driven me right to where I am. Change is such a necessity. The most dangerous change, and the otherwise most uncomfortable can lead you to the most beautiful places.

Recently, I was thinking about the change of a butterfly and the comparison it offers to the metamorphosis of life and faith. A caterpillar builds a cocoon just like we build our lives and in the end, they trust that they will come out this beautiful being, and they most certainly do. Butterflies are often felt as a wink from the heavens. I have no doubt about it that one day I want to transform.

 

 I want to turn into a beautiful being. I must first accept and allow change, and know that if change never happened, and times in life never hurt....I would not understand the beauty of the change.

Life is always going to be filled with regret. Whether you are carrying it for yourself or you feel the pains of seeing someone with regret we must all understand that change is inevitable and so is regret and remorse. We live in a world where we second guess ourselves and we lose faith at the cost of our own security.

Today, I am thankful for change as hard as it can be sometimes- It can lead us through dark places into some of the brightest futures. I am thankful that I have the ability to fail so that I can understand success. But most importantly today I am so thankful that I have the ability to change and change can happen around me, because every day- I want to continue to change for the better.

Love,
The Blessed Burrell